THE ZBORNAK FILES

because sometimes dorothy was dead

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Zbornak Fletcher-Walsh, A Tribute.

As you may know by now, dear reader, Zbornak Fletcher-Walsh was cruelly and heartlessly shot dead by Dr Marlena Evans last Saturday night. Dr Evans herself is currently presumed dead, so we’re not quite sure how this came about although celebrity aromatherapist Dr Lauren Van Wrunkfest posited that the Dr Evans in question may have been one of several clones created in the mid-nineties by international crime lord, Stephano DiMera (aka The Pheonix). Other sources (Dr Ruth) have suggested that the original Marlena may, in fact, be quite undead and is currently being kept prisoner in a rather remote castle with her former husband, Roman. Although how she could manage to escape from such an awesome plot device to do this whoreanus deed is unclear. However, the identity of the killer in question is insignificant in the grand scheme of things - Mr Fletcher-Walsh, worldwide SuperGod, friend of Dorothy, middle class do-gooder and renowned importer of leather, is dead!

DEAD!

Messages of condolence have been pouring in from across the globe and, luckily for us his personal assistant, Coco TheGayChef-FromThePilotEpisodeOfTheGoldenGirls, has shared some of the more sincere writings with us. Join us in tears of sadness and happiness as we grieve with the faces…


“Dear Zbornak who art in Heaven,
I’ll never mention our argument again, rest assured no will ever know it was you who stole my dear husband for use as an undercover poolboy/ashtray.
Love, always
Deborah Gibson”

“Z,
I could watch an episode of Blossom everyday for the rest of my life and never be as happy as you made me. I don’t know how I’ll go on but I’ll make sure to never wear underwear again, I know you would have wanted it that way. Stay cool, man.
Love,
Jason Priestly
PS You know that Madonna B-Side about fucking a ghost, well, if you can, y’know, it would be great. I’ll go to our spot every Tuesday.”

“Z,
You’re hot
Paris xx”

“Zbornak,
What you did for my career is simply astounding. Through you I found money, success and glamour. My heart bleeds with this news.
Forever,
Angela”

“Mr Fletcher-Walsh
Now you are dead I can once again live the life I was meant to. Having said that, I’ll miss having the Corey boys walking 10 steps behind me wherever I go.
Regards,
Molly Ringwold”

“Dearest Nakky,
My one true love. No one did me the way you did me (with a red rose and an axe beneath us) and no one will ever make me smile again. Not wryly anyway.
Love and Kisses
Luke Perry”

“You goddamn mother fucking son of a beast! How could you leave me like this?
Bea xx”

“I’ll create a special picture just for you,
Vani!!a”

“My love,
You were always your very own wonderwall, and I was always in your shadow. I will carry on your work, but rest assured I’ll never BEA as good as you.
Carrie Fisher”

“Mr Z100
That glint in your eye, that life in your smile, that blood in your handbag. A part of you will be with me always. Quite literally, as you gave me your left middle fingernail after that horrific boating accident where I killed your little sister, Floella.
Betty White”

“I’ve placed a piece of your hair into to my jar of Vanilla Ice sweat. I know that’s what you’d want.
Love always+foreveryourgirl
Paula”

“I’ve dedicated Daddy’s third present wrapping room in your honour. It’s where I’m writing this and touching myself as I think of your eternal beauty and ace haircut.
TtothaORI XXX”

“My Teacher,
You taught me everything you knew and it worked, baby, it worked. I’m a huge big fucking star and you’re dead as old shit.
Kisses,
Lindsay Lohan and her fabulous hair”

“I was the bitch that was your mother
Shan-Shan”

“Dear Z,
I can’t understand a God that would allow this! I’ll make sure to nuzzle up to your crotch at the funeral. Love you long time ho.
The fit one from Jeepers Creepers 2”

“Our days sipping whiskey on the yachts will always be in my heart, and my eventual autobiography. Bet you wish you’d never told me about that three way with Joey Lawrence and Estelle Getty, you great big cunt!
SoulKisses
Oprah”

“I knew it was YOU who fucked up my computer and sent me into madness. I’ll get you in the afterlife you fugly slut!
Margot Kidder”


As per his request Zbornak’s ashes will be scattered over Disneyland, the Days of Our Lives set, Corey Haim’s teeth, Angela Lansbury’s bed and Bea Arthur’s motorbike. Memorial services will take place at 96 top-secret locations, make sure to wear Purple and talk in a French accent if you’re lucky enough to be invited.

We will end this article with a message from Zbornak himself, taken from his dairy (Dated Feb 32nd 2005)…

“Dear Diary,
Fucking Priestly keeps calling me, I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore. I’ll never get over the hurt he caused me. Telling me he liked listening to Coldplay! How could he be so cruel? What a dick! Me, Jonny and Orlando recreated the Chilli’s Give It Away video this evening. It was great. I think Orlando felt a bit left out towards the end, but I’m 26 now, I want a mature man in my wife. Anyway, I’m going to stop writing in you, you have become a chore and I never wanted it to get like that. I love all that you gave me and all those times you blew me, but diary, I think this is it. I want to spend my time evolving, not taking up time writing about things that don’t matter, things that are disposable, transient. Life is about living, not about idolatry or focusing on what I lack. I’m amazing and I don’t need to wallow in self-pity or nostalgia anymore. I don’t need you , you served your purpose and it was awesome, but now I need to be free. I need my time to serve humanity, not myself...

OK, you got me, that’s a total lie. It’s just that I got internet access to Passions and Days of Our Lives (FINALLY!!!!!!!), and I’d much rather chill out with them than be concerned about my lack of an original template.

Love and Fucking Dirrty Rapists
Z”


Donations should be sent to the Zbornak Fletcher-Walsh Home for 90's Teen Idols.

16 Comments:

  • At 5:35 am, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm gonna miss you Z. Like Paris said...

    You're hot.

    daniel@danielphillip.com

     
  • At 7:31 pm, Blogger no milk said…

    our zbornak, who art in heaven...

     
  • At 7:18 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh my goodness, Getting slightly emotional in the library now... Thanks for the imagination, the wit, for keeping me in touch with importantly unimportant stuff when i was in a strange country. Keep living the High Life (oh deary me), XX N XX

     
  • At 12:23 am, Blogger Honeytom said…

    Goodbye (again). Waiting with baited breath until your inevitable return. Until then, thanks for all the great times. Now go save that world!

     
  • At 10:55 pm, Blogger Alex said…

    You were the reason I gave up gin in the mornings. You selfish horse.

     
  • At 8:31 pm, Blogger Atom said…

    Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease come back

    atom
    x

     
  • At 11:56 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This upsets me everytime I read it. It can't be the end....can it? I won't remove it from my bookmarks until I have proof!

     
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    Nice blog! I like the pink color!
    me

     
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