THE ZBORNAK FILES

I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIVE. AGAIN.

2005-12-23T22:21:00.000Z

Turns out that death is not for life, and that I'm back blogging again. Who'da thought?

Check out my bad ex-dead self at zbornakforever.blogspot.com, and don't forget your murder weapon!

Zbornak Fletcher-Walsh, A Tribute.

2005-03-22T21:06:00.000Z

As you may know by now, dear reader, Zbornak Fletcher-Walsh was cruelly and heartlessly shot dead by Dr Marlena Evans last Saturday night. Dr Evans herself is currently presumed dead, so we’re not quite sure how this came about although celebrity aromatherapist Dr Lauren Van Wrunkfest posited that the Dr Evans in question may have been one of several clones created in the mid-nineties by international crime lord, Stephano DiMera (aka The Pheonix). Other sources (Dr Ruth) have suggested that the original Marlena may, in fact, be quite undead and is currently being kept prisoner in a rather remote castle with her former husband, Roman. Although how she could manage to escape from such an awesome plot device to do this whoreanus deed is unclear. However, the identity of the killer in question is insignificant in the grand scheme of things - Mr Fletcher-Walsh, worldwide SuperGod, friend of Dorothy, middle class do-gooder and renowned importer of leather, is dead!

DEAD!

Messages of condolence have been pouring in from across the globe and, luckily for us his personal assistant, Coco TheGayChef-FromThePilotEpisodeOfTheGoldenGirls, has shared some of the more sincere writings with us. Join us in tears of sadness and happiness as we grieve with the faces…

“Dear Zbornak who art in Heaven,
I’ll never mention our argument again, rest assured no will ever know it was you who stole my dear husband for use as an undercover poolboy/ashtray.
Love, always
Deborah Gibson”

“Z,
I could watch an episode of Blossom everyday for the rest of my life and never be as happy as you made me. I don’t know how I’ll go on but I’ll make sure to never wear underwear again, I know you would have wanted it that way. Stay cool, man.
Love,
Jason Priestly
PS You know that Madonna B-Side about fucking a ghost, well, if you can, y’know, it would be great. I’ll go to our spot every Tuesday.”

“Z,
You’re hot
Paris xx”

“Zbornak,
What you did for my career is simply astounding. Through you I found money, success and glamour. My heart bleeds with this news.
Forever,
Angela”

“Mr Fletcher-Walsh
Now you are dead I can once again live the life I was meant to. Having said that, I’ll miss having the Corey boys walking 10 steps behind me wherever I go.
Regards,
Molly Ringwold”

“Dearest Nakky,
My one true love. No one did me the way you did me (with a red rose and an axe beneath us) and no one will ever make me smile again. Not wryly anyway.
Love and Kisses
Luke Perry”

“You goddamn mother fucking son of a beast! How could you leave me like this?
Bea xx”

“I’ll create a special picture just for you,
Vani!!a”

“My love,
You were always your very own wonderwall, and I was always in your shadow. I will carry on your work, but rest assured I’ll never BEA as good as you.
Carrie Fisher”

“Mr Z100
That glint in your eye, that life in your smile, that blood in your handbag. A part of you will be with me always. Quite literally, as you gave me your left middle fingernail after that horrific boating accident where I killed your little sister, Floella.
Betty White”

“I’ve placed a piece of your hair into to my jar of Vanilla Ice sweat. I know that’s what you’d want.
Love always+foreveryourgirl
Paula”

“I’ve dedicated Daddy’s third present wrapping room in your honour. It’s where I’m writing this and touching myself as I think of your eternal beauty and ace haircut.
TtothaORI XXX”

“My Teacher,
You taught me everything you knew and it worked, baby, it worked. I’m a huge big fucking star and you’re dead as old shit.
Kisses,
Lindsay Lohan and her fabulous hair”

“I was the bitch that was your mother
Shan-Shan”

“Dear Z,
I can’t understand a God that would allow this! I’ll make sure to nuzzle up to your crotch at the funeral. Love you long time ho.
The fit one from Jeepers Creepers 2”

“Our days sipping whiskey on the yachts will always be in my heart, and my eventual autobiography. Bet you wish you’d never told me about that three way with Joey Lawrence and Estelle Getty, you great big cunt!
SoulKisses
Oprah”

“I knew it was YOU who fucked up my computer and sent me into madness. I’ll get you in the afterlife you fugly slut!
Margot Kidder”

As per his request Zbornak’s ashes will be scattered over Disneyland, the Days of Our Lives set, Corey Haim’s teeth, Angela Lansbury’s bed and Bea Arthur’s motorbike. Memorial services will take place at 96 top-secret locations, make sure to wear Purple and talk in a French accent if you’re lucky enough to be invited.

We will end this article with a message from Zbornak himself, taken from his dairy (Dated Feb 32nd 2005)…

“Dear Diary,
Fucking Priestly keeps calling me, I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore. I’ll never get over the hurt he caused me. Telling me he liked listening to Coldplay! How could he be so cruel? What a dick! Me, Jonny and Orlando recreated the Chilli’s Give It Away video this evening. It was great. I think Orlando felt a bit left out towards the end, but I’m 26 now, I want a mature man in my wife. Anyway, I’m going to stop writing in you, you have become a chore and I never wanted it to get like that. I love all that you gave me and all those times you blew me, but diary, I think this is it. I want to spend my time evolving, not taking up time writing about things that don’t matter, things that are disposable, transient. Life is about living, not about idolatry or focusing on what I lack. I’m amazing and I don’t need to wallow in self-pity or nostalgia anymore. I don’t need you , you served your purpose and it was awesome, but now I need to be free. I need my time to serve humanity, not myself...

OK, you got me, that’s a total lie. It’s just that I got internet access to Passions and Days of Our Lives (FINALLY!!!!!!!), and I’d much rather chill out with them than be concerned about my lack of an original template.

Love and Fucking Dirrty Rapists
Z”

Donations should be sent to the Zbornak Fletcher-Walsh Home for 90's Teen Idols.

So Are The Days...

2005-03-19T22:48:00.000Z

BANG!

Marlena shot my comatose blog dead, that good for nothing cow!

Peace, love and hair grease,

xx

Kissmas Haiku

2004-12-30T19:00:00.000Z

Dedicated to Dr P, for her 28th year of awesomeness...

Christmas is over
On 'Stenders, Shannis no more
I put on a pound

Christmas Beatings

2004-12-24T19:33:00.000Z

Hope you have a very Mary Cherry Christmas.

Oh, go on then! Have a present (.mp3 1.9MB).

Thanks to whichever website, blog, crackwhore or dancing baby I stole it from.

Awesome Army of Cats

2004-12-23T13:24:00.000Z

I'm back at home with Mommie D for the Christmas period and I've got my babies with me. This means there are 10 cats in the house. It's awesome, but also my secret shame (along with how many times I've read Geri Halliwell's Just For The Record). I've put some fresh pics up on my Flickr page to showcase the multiple puss puss loving, so take a peek if you're avoiding working or if you're Groc.

I'm off to a uniReunion tonight, I'm equally afraid and ecstatic. I'm hoping the boy who gave me the biggest pash-on of my life is there. Once, he licked my shoe when he thought no one was watching. Me and my best bud hatched a mass Romy & Michelle type plan, but then we realised we didn't need to because our lives are just about perfect (besides the lack of Days of our Lives in our lives), compared to Michael Jackson's anyway.

I must *speak* about the Lindsay Lohan album, however, I will spend approx. 7 more hours listening to it before I reveal my judgment.

Awesome My Little Pony Fans

2004-12-19T16:12:00.000Z

Give Me A Weapon Of Mass Affection

2004-12-15T13:15:00.000Z

Click it. Just do it. Now. It's almost as good as this.

New Cat Alert!

2004-12-14T21:43:00.000Z

This is Fenton-Tammy Michael Roddick Prosperity Donna Stefani-Winfrey The First. He is half-uncle(?) to two of my current army of cats - Joan-Ethan and Dylan-Alexis. He is no relation at all (and, in fact, their relationship is rather frosty) to my Sergeant Major, and first ever cat, Nomi.

Jeeps I've been busy the last week or so. Some highlights:

Supervising a float at a town parade. I got my mother to be Mary Poppins, which must have satiated some deep down repressed false memory from my childhood. At least, I hope it did.

Getting an AWESOME job offer which I had to turn down because it was in another country and I got scared that I couldn't exist without the English. Tsk! Silly Bea!

GEEK ALERT: Joining an internet role playing game where I have my own TV station called TMN (The Malone Network), although I haven’t actually gone from joining to playing yet, it can only be a matter of days.

Discovering the joys of Grand Theft Auto. Not the game, but the soundtrack box sets. Oh sweet Lourdes, those mothers are awesome! I highly, highly, highly recommend tracking down a copy of each. Especially the Vice City 80's-flavoured one.

A boy from France with whom I dance(d).

Getting my freakin' Popular DVD box-set!! I'm aleady half a week behind on EastEnders (cor bliiiimeeey bless 'vat Staceee Slaaaaterrr, apples 'nd pears, apples 'nd pears, wot's gaaain' on 'ere then? Aaaiy! Luv me baaaaby you slaaaaag, etc.) so I've no idea when I'll get round to watching it, but just owning it is more than enough. May we all be truly grateful.

Shannis.

One More For Luck

2004-12-09T19:37:00.000Z

Jeebus, how could I forget the most important charity event of 2004? I think I got too engrossed looking at these two Collette fan sites.

In other news, I finally caved in and got Britney's Greatest Hits, I went for the special edition with a glossy cover and a bonus disc. I am aghast that Soda Pop was not included.

I've Seen So Much More Than U Know Now

2004-12-03T21:51:00.000Z

Firstly, OHMIGOD - the best song ever! (via holymoly)

With that out of the way, let's devour the main course... I went to a World AIDS Day benefit on Wednesday and it was abysmal in a good but probably actually bad kind of way. Let me tell you my tale...

Part of the entertainment was some local kids gearing up for next year's Pop Idol audition and while most, but not all, of them were quite good, they really, really, really should have checked the lyrical content of their songs. The first lady to step up to the mic sang a rendition of Britney's I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Women. Of course I smiled upon hearing that wonderful introduction (before remembering that last summer my best friend went to the Grand Canyon and did a re-enactment of the video and getting very jealous) and as I listened I thought, wow this is amazing - turning a total classic pop ballad into a dramatic tale of a girl dealing with HIV...

I'm not a girl
There is no need to protect me
Its time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I've seen so much more than u know now
So tell me to shut my eyes

You can see how I thought that.

However, then the girl, Miss JewelButScally, starting doing another song (of which I'd never heard) that contained the lyrics "what you're giving me, I'm takin' and gettin' and lovin' and givin' baaaaaaaack to you (back to you, back to you)" set to a mid-tempo positive love groove, and I realised she was only there to experience an audience. I mean, what the funk? How could you sing that at an AIDS benefit? Thankfully I wasn't the only one that laughed out loud and then felt guilty. Other highlights were Don't Worry Be Happy on the saxamaphone, All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun) sung by the most pissed off looking girl EVER and a scary musical experiment involving kitchenware that I'm trying my best to forget. To be fair, one act was amazingly good - I cried like a person who gets a tiny bit of water in their eye at the uplifting, positive hip-hop vibe they created with style, panache and a fabulous hat.

I met an awesome girl there who offered to become Cagney to my Lacey should my C&L: The Musical idea ever take off. We bonded over our hatred of JewelButScally and cemented our brief love affair when we both got off over some hard little middle-class white kids who rapped to their niggas (and parents) badly - totally unaware that New Kids, East 17 and Vanilla Ice had ever existed.

After a fantastic "urm, all you middle-class do-gooders* really need to do more than spend one night eating free finger foods and feeling good that you care enough to attend and recognise that 4% of the boy gays, a scarily high (but thankfully in the minority) percentage of the sub-Saharan Africans and millions of others are facing this MASSIVE problem every day of their lives so fucking give us your money you cunts!" speech, it was time for some light refreshments and a one-armed dwarf break-dancer. He was awesome, until he fell over.

So, in summery, I went to an AIDS benefit and spent the whole time laughing cruelly at children and people with disabilities.

Don't

Don't you want me?

* I am 75% middle-class do-gooder, 10% human rights campaigner, 7% gay rights activist, 5% Anna-Nicole Smith wannabe and 3% hot white cum, this means I can criticise and commend everyone at the event without being hypocritical, but at the same time being very hypocritical. It's a beautiful feeling.

Oh The Humanity!

2004-12-03T14:15:00.000Z

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tend to channel that Patricia Routledge character in Alan Bennett's Talking Heads who writes lots of Daily Mail-esque letters of inconsequence to people, corporations and other such legal entities. One recent missive has been published on the ITV Soap Newsletter in the soapbox section. I've arrived Mommie! I've arrived!

The Zbornak Files: Director Commentary
"Well done to all involved?" What was I thinking*?

*If you've seen the Pink Flamingos deleted scenes feature where John Waters goes "'Cunt-eyes?' What was I thinking?", you'll know the kind of tone I'm going for. If not, go and buy it, you silly whore.

I Live The American Dream

2004-12-01T13:36:00.000Z

This is my favourite publicity still from a reality TV show ever! It captures the drama, the pain, the self-involvement, the cameras, the exploitation - everything! The picture is from Boy Meets Boy, the gay reality dating show, and the subject is Andrea (I think - it made me think of Miss Zuckerman from 90210 anyway) who has just found out that some of the gay boys she's been helping her best friend choose to date aren’t quite as gay as initially thought (i.e. not gay at all).

I watched the last few episodes of the show with my GGB's (Gareth's Gay Babies - the group of teenagers I work the youth with) at the weekend in order to spark off a discussion about representation of queerness in pop culture. Of course that discussion didn't last too long because what teenager wants to discuss such things on the weekend after a week of revision/exams/play rehearsal? They quickly got to the meat of the show and discussed who they most fancied and how obvious it was who the straight one was. It was quite hard getting a group of randy teenagers to get back to topic at hand, but somehow I managed. I think the threat of making them watch old episodes of Dynasty made them do it, honestly, it's so appalling how anti-Dynasty the GGB's are. It's like they're a different generation from me or something. Don't they know I'm down with the kids? I own two Avril Lavigne albums! They must follow me!

In reality (but not reality TV), I only hold out hope for one of them to follow in my soapy footsteps. Last week the boy in question mentioned EastEnders in relation to something and then quickly added, "but EastEnders is shit! Mile High is the best thing on television!" Mile High being the uber-low budget but extra-high tack highlight of Sky's Sunday 10PM slot. Bless his little cotton socks.

Actually that reminds me! Look at this:

The top ten worst US imports in full according to Broadcast:
1 - Baywatch
2 - Anna Nicole Show
3 - Dukes of Hazzard
4 - Wild Palms
5 - Manimal
6 - The Jerry Springer Show
7 - Knots Landing
8 - Falcon Crest
9 - The Bold and the Beautiful
10 - Extreme Makeover

How insulting! I can handle number 1 and maybe number 10, but the rest are classics! Falcon Crest practically taught me my values! The Bold and the Beautiful has one of the best theme tunes/opening credits sequence ever. Knots Landing was, well I don't think I watched it, but I know it was good - I've seen TV Movies with some of the cast in! Jerry Springer is just on that list because the show isn't as good as the opera version, but that doesn't make it bad! We don't knock Romeo & Juliet for being the source material for West Side Story do we? Manimal, I only know a little bit about, but that title? Manimal - a man who turns into an animal! How awesome! Shouldn't be on there! Wild Palms was good in my head, but I only really remember stuff about holograms - holograms are cool though, so therefore the show was cool and shouldn't be on the list. Dukes of Hazzard I'm not even going to attempt to justify as it's too obvious, and as for Anna-Nicole? Well, if you ain't a friend of her show, you ain't no friend of this blo'(g).

I was going to do my own top 10 US imports, but it's too hard, so instead here's a top 5 list of shows we (me & Bea & thee) want /slash/ need importing!

1. Amish in the City - Amish people livin' la vida loca in LA? How could this not have been on E4?

2. Days of Our Lives - I just don't get how racist this country is about American daytime soap operas. Days should be a national institution! My favourite plots from the limited amount of time we did have DOOL in our lives are 1) Marlene being possessed by Satan 2) The Princess Gina is actually Hope although maybe not but let's morph her in mirrors anyway thing and 3) anything with Austin Peck in.

3. Passions - another US soap, but one that's never been on over here. I got caught up in their wooden puppet boy comes to life plotline whilst on holiday in St. Lucia.

4. The Oprah Winfrey Show - two years and no Oprah makes G a sad boy.

5. Desperate Housewives - I'm fairly sure this will come over eventually, but I want it NOW! Assuming it does I would replace it with Bold & The Beautiful, I wouldn’t ever watch it, but I would tune into the start- it really is an awesome opening sequence*.

*At least the 90’s version is, the new one is merely adequate

Just One More Round Friends

2004-11-29T17:02:00.000Z

George Lucas wants to ban the Star Wars Holiday Special, thus depriving the great and the good of one of Bea Arthur's finest moments!

Shame on you Mr. Lucas, shame on you!

Thanks to the wonder of the internet and this site where I stole it from, you can hear the Beauty in this little 4.4MB mp3 file! My personal highlight is at 02:50-3:46 - not only my top 7th musical moment ever, but also a preview of my future gay wedding ceremony. While you listen, I suggest checking out some dope vidcaps at Stomp Tokyo.

There used to be a video of it somewhere on the net, but I can't find it at the moment so let Bea know if you have it. Until then I'll be watching the infamous Bea Does Sex and the City clip at beatricearthur.com and listening to Meet The Golden Girls at mess.net (a site "committed to the online repackaging of content from the television series, The Golden Girls [in order to] allow the series to grow beyond the limitations of a simple 80's sitcom and eventually establish itself as a vital cornerstone of American culture!)

State of Emergency

2004-11-23T18:47:00.000Z

Fuck yes! Margaret Cho is coming to London!

It'll be the hottest date in town since Bea Arthur blew us all [...] at the Savoy!

Also, Coronation Street last night! My word! As fab as all the explosions were, and as scary/wonderful as the last shot of Maya on her day of wreckoning was, how awesome were the scenes between the four middle-aged ladies getting pissed and chatting the dish in the pizza place?

Very awesome.

Corrie is officially my most favourite soap opera since Melrose Place.

Sad, Sad Situation

2004-11-21T20:17:00.000Z

The ever lovely Dr P sent me a link to this story about a Golden Girls reunion and boy was I glad.

To start with...

But, Arthur noted, getting together now isn't at all like the old days.

"No," she said, flatly.

After all, Getty, 81, was conspicuously absent. Getty retired in 2000, after announcing she had Parkinson's disease.

Arthur could barely get through a sentence, choking up when talking about how Getty's memory had faded.

And McClanahan detailed her own recent phone conversation with her former co-star.

"I said, `Hey, Estelle, how ya doin'?' And all she said was ... `Yes.'

Brings tears to the queers, don't it?

Montage Like It's 1999

2004-11-16T14:24:00.000Z

Caressing the icons on Premiere the other day totally brought back my love of the art of montage, so I've decided I'm going to start doing the 'ol nip/tucking to the dope beats again. My first project will remain TOP SECRET for now, but may involve Jessica Fletcher and Jason Voorhees. Thinking about it, I'll probably add a lil' Lark Voorhies in the mix. It's always wise.

However, before one can go onwards, one must always look backwards. Therefore I present, for the very first time, digitised from an extremely ropey VHS copy of my original work, the first two montages I ever made!

Montage 1 - Aids & Youth Culture Opening w/ George Michael's Killer (.wmv/3.7MB)

Montage 2 - Aids & Youth Culture Closing w/ Jordan Knight's Give It To You (.wmv/4.2MB)

No apologies for the crassness of youth, but a sex-filled date on a luxury cruise liner with Blossom's Dad and the cast of What I Like About You to the first person who emails me a full list of the films/TV shows used in the clips!

EDIT: Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark! I'm a via on metafilter! I think it's a first. Yay me and my linking hotness!

My Eyes Are Bleeding...

2004-11-15T23:42:00.000Z

...and I need a cigarette now!

Truly Outrageous / Robots Into Guys

2004-11-15T20:20:00.000Z

Who would have guessed it? My new theme tune (Mama Cass' Make Your Own Kind of Music) fits (via a quick Adobe Premiere infused nip/tuck) with my old title sequence (Jem), creating a whole new world of magical mystical artistical satirical splendor!

See it for your goddamn wonderful self - Mama Cass meets Jem in a truly outrageous fashion! (.wmv/1.86MB)

EDIT:
OMG! Sweet Betty White funked up on crack! It also works with the Transformers title sequence! (.wmv/1.89MB)

This post is dedicated to the fly girl I keep forgetting to send Marky Mark to.

The Minish Cap

2004-11-15T14:38:00.000Z

Grow-a-brain links to a great visual cognition game which succeeds in making you feel like the half lidded-jerk that you most likely are. A sizeable (7mb) Java applet has to load, but it’s worth it. Don’t cheat, or it’ll all be pointless.

Follow the links at grow-a-brain, and follow the instructions.

via Screenhead

Ugly Kid Teen Comics

2004-11-14T13:51:00.000Z

Whilst trying to find some pictures of Ugly Kid Joe or, at the very least, a copy of their (I Hate) Everything About You video, I happily stumbled across this amazing Teen Comics page! It's a goldmine of a website! 90210 comics, Melrose Place comics, Marky Mark Comics, 90210 comics, Melrose Place com... well, you get the idea - an what an idea it is!

This one looks the best, if only for the sheer range of talent across the front cover. It may be a divine idea to buy one and get the cover blown up to poster size so you can hang it next to your Warhol movie posters. While waiting for the post to come, you could check out X-E's look at Luke Perry and Jason Priestley's WILD Adventure, which - to bring things full circle - actually has Ugly Kid Joe on the front cover.

Stop The Press!

2004-11-14T13:27:00.000Z

We, as in I, have a new theme tune - Mama Cass' Make Your Own Kind of Music! ~~If anyone can send me the full version, I will love you long time forever and ever, amen!~~ Mr Happypants, I love you long time forever and ever, amen!

Also, isn't this just the best collection of music ever assembled?

Fisting The Night Away

2004-11-10T22:31:00.000Z

This week the gay centre I'm working at is holding a seminar called "Kinky Sex & You". It's a sexual education thing, so along with the ruderies will be lots of important information on how to do kink safely. I'm all for it, as I think frank and open discussion about such things is important and creates a healthy society (although I still reserve the right to laugh like a schoolboy about anything I want to). What I'm not all for is having a relative stranger talking to me at a bus stop about fisting, which is the situation I found myself in the other day...

There I was, happily listening away to some Air America programmes I'd downloaded, waiting for my bus (which is how I spend - oooooh - 325% of my time) and trying to decide which of the other 5 people waiting with me that I'd have sex with if the world was about to end, when along comes "Steve". "Steve" is one of the clients that comes into the gay centre, he’s about 40, a bit pervy looking, is very enthusiastic about fisting (I found that out 2 weeks before, when he demonstrated it upon a latex bottom he happened to have on him) and lacks certain social skills that I think are kind of important. Anyway, he bowls up to me and we start chatting about this and that (not the tit and twat I'd been talking to an newly blonde lesbian about earlier in the day) when he mentions the seminar. One or two people looked at us a bit oddly, but with the current funky red Fuck You spike of hair I have at the moment I'm fairly used to that, so no problem. Then he starts going on about fisting and how some people think it's possible to put a fist through one end of your body so far up that it comes out the other. I kept a straight face, politely laughed and looked away to indicate that I'd had enough of the conversation, but that wasn't enough. He then proceeded to tell me all about the shape of the rectum and the intestines and how they go on for miles and how could anyone be so foolish as to think that the human body is wired like a hand puppet. Along with his description he actually showed me, by pointing to MY body, how it all worked!

Thankfully the bus pulled up at that point and thank Bob that "Steve" didn't get on with me. It was bad enough having the 5 other people from the bus stop look at me like I was a convicted rapist for the entire journey, let alone the rest of the passengers.

To be fair to "Steve" I did find the whole thing extremely amusing, but I have this whole "How English People Behave In Public" thing that made me embarrassed and worried about what the Bus People thought. Thing is, "Steve" must have that too (kind of) because the next day he was talking about the seminar opposite a gang of phone bankers, but kept saying "red" instead of fisting. I've since learnt that "red" is code for fisting, which is totally the best thing I've ever learnt if only for the pure joy I had when my step-sister showed me her new "red" dress.

So yeah, that's what will become the 'My Public Fisting' story at dinner parties and cannibal holocausts throughout the county.

OxPics

2004-11-10T22:04:00.000Z

Just added a lovely selection of pics to my Flickr page. Obviously there's plenty of pussy, but there's also a bunch of shots I took on a recent bus tour of Oxford, my new part-time home town, that are kind of cool and touristy. Enjoy like Sid enjoyed Nancy!

The Way That You Make Me, Phil

2004-11-08T14:13:00.000Z

I'm doing a presentation on Dr Phil's Life Laws for my counselling class tonight. I phil it's important that the good doctor's words are spread around the minds of future counsellors as joyously as room temperature butter over freshly baked bread. I'm keeping it fairly tongue in cheek because with Dr Phil you kinda have to, plus, since the other week's "David Brent as relationship therapist" role play by yours truly (scrumptious), I've built up a rep as 'the funny one' which my desire for approval means I'll do my best to keep up.

Anyway, whilst doing some really, really in-depth research on Google Image Search, I stumbled over this site, possibly the world's most bestest religious website ever. To start with I thought it was a piss take, but after some extensive clicking I've decided it's genuine, the real deal, and, if you will, the O.G. It seems to Bea, that this type of approach is exactly what the church needs to be doing to get the kidz and the cuntz into church. If the muthas at my local church group started doing 'Top 10' lists that quoted Randy Jackson and gave out lectures on popular reality shows I'd be 9% more likely to go and check them out. Fair enough, that means I'd only be 9% likely to go, but until the church accepts Melrose Place as the true bible it's the best result they're gonna get.

The Versatile Board Game...

2004-11-08T13:43:00.000Z

It's Gayopoly!

Get Up, Stand Tall

2004-11-03T21:18:00.000Z

Despite all the horrible events of the last few days, there is some good news to share. One of the homophobic reggae artists spilling their ignorant and hate-filled lyrics throughout the country has been forced to cancel several gigs after pressure from local gay rights groups to venues where he was due to perform. I think the Scotland Yard investigation may have had a little to do with it too.

I'm all about freedom of expression and the right to say what you think within an appropriate context (as long as you are open to having it challenged in a voice as loud as yours), however, it seems to Bea that many of these rappers are using anti-gay lyrics just to stir up a bit of coverage in local papers and regional radio to up their ticket sales and enhance their 'brand', which is a bit too Republican for my liking. So, "fucking yay!" to that.

Also, there's a memorial walk from Compton St in London at 6:30 on Friday to mark the death of David Morley, I'm unable to make it, but I hope as many people who read this that can make it turn up. Be sure to make as much noise and as much love as possible for him this Fireworks Night, and all nights - to quote an email I got earlier:

"I urge you all to fuck for him, get angry for him, cry, laugh, love
and fight back for him and ALL queer people who've been killed, abused, spat at, called 'queer' (but not in a nice way), made to feel less than the wonderful human they are or generally been pissed on because they're not straight!! Everything we do all the time makes a difference. Do it with intent and it REALLY makes a difference! Go on, light a sparkler for your queer mourning and see what happens!"

Word.

To The Kids In America...

2004-11-03T13:40:00.000Z

Don't Give Up Hope

Don't You See Every Night And Day

2004-11-02T17:42:00.000Z

Please read this wonderful post by Honeytom.

Thank you.

3 Chains O' Gold

2004-11-02T16:01:00.000Z

Isn't Prince and the NPG's 'Symbol' album just awesome? I've been travelling up and down t'country for the past few weeks (hence the deplorable lack of posts) and it's the CD I find myself listening to most. Anyhoo...

Halloween.

Isn't it just the best holiday ever? I once again found myself getting evil in a small Oxfordshire Manor House with some freaky twentysomethings. I went as ZombieGareth, or Zombeth for short. The costume basically involved working 15 hours before putting on some second hand clothes ripped to shreds and some bright yellow contact lenses. The effect was great, so great that I fell asleep about 4 times before midnight. Last year I met someone who dressed up as Candy Jones, a former model turned sleeper CIA agent, but sadly there wasn't a costume to be found that sparked up a new passion this time. I did see a very fetching Generic Vampire Boyband Member though, so it wasn't a total loss. I was kind of hoping to run into Parker-esque, an ex-boyfriend I met at the same party last year. Well, not the same party - who has parties that go on that long? The party was at the same place and hosted by the same people, that's what I mean. Mean. Clean. Green. Mr Sheen.

Parker-esque wasn't there though. Neither was my current boyfriend but that's because I don't have a current boyfriend. Me and the Maxx split up; I'd like to say it was mutual but it was more social, compatible, sexual, irresistible and other Take That related words that have an 'l' sound at the end. OK, that's a lie, we split up because of Luke Perry. Don't believe me? Yeah, well don't believe yourself either, father fucker.

Oooh - I have jobs! Two of those gosh darn non-profits have employed me! I'm now an officially paid Youth Worker for Kindergays and a Deputy Manager In Charge Of Volunteers for a fundraising agency looking after da kidz in Darfur. I'm still working for free as a Campaigner for free-trade and third world debt (as in "get rid of it", not "let's have more" (and vice-versa for the free-trade)), and now that I'm getting paid by the other funkers I can do even more of that, which is grrrrrreat. I'm still doing my counselling course, so have to devote a bit of time to the gay centre doing Face to Face stuff, manning the hotdesk and taking in homophobia reports, and that's probably the most rewarding of all the things I'm doing at the moment. I honestly can't believe how much work I'm doing though, last week I worked out I did 55 hours. That may not sound like loads, but take in travelling time and Sunset Beach viewing and it means I barely have any time to myself or my two Coreys. I'm not complaining though, (even though Mr Haim and Mr Feldman are), I have never been more in line with my authentic being than ever before (apart from that time I went shopping for needles with Jessica Fletcher and Zack Morris).

Pussy Cats & Boys

2004-10-18T15:39:00.000+01:00

Yes, that IS Ethan Hawke's critically acclaimed novel Ash Wednesday you can see just behind the Icemeister. I'm such a lucky boy to own it. Did Vanilla win down on 'The Farm'? I didn't get to see much of it past the second episode, which is a shame because I did hear about the pig wanking incident.

I've been doing some face to face sessions at the LGB(&T) centre I'm helping out at and last week we had a 77 year old grandmother-of-four come in who'd been out for 5 weeks.

5 weeks!

77!

I'm not sure I can describe the awesomeness of witnessing her joy, but it was pretty powerful stuff. It was weird seeing that just out of the closet phase on someone of her age, and I'm a much better person for it, although she's just starting the stage where the internalised homophobia ("the greatest danger facing today's the gays") starts popping up again, it's my mission to destroy that (possibly in a way that involves dressing up in a red wig and infiltrating Les-D 6). I'll always remember some guy at college telling me he was a friend of Miss D and then adding "but I'm not into all that anal stuff". It's like a straight guy going "well, yes, it's true - I do like women, I'm just not into nipples that much". It's so disturbing how being gay is so related to how the sex is different, not just amongst non-gays but amongst the gays themselves. I think we need a drag queen version of Salt 'n' Pepa rapping up the charts with songs that make us feel powerful and wonderful and not like what The Man sees us as being. I also wish I was eloquent and had some time.

In other news & views, the new Battlestar Galactica kicks ass! Everything science fiction should be. Almost. Check it out, if only for the joy of realising that the President of, urm, the Humans (?) is Donnie Darko's mum; Not sure I agree with this 'get the troops out of Iraq before Christmas' thing. I mean, obviously, we should not have gone there, but we did, so we kinda need to stick around to sort out the mess, and the before Christmas thing is just emotive and not really practical, in my humble, not-that-well-informed, opinion anyway; The Bill O'Reilly sex scandal is my most favourite thing ever (besides Susan Powter's new image and the Pop being back); and I think I'm gong to learn how to knit whilst watching Tank Girl tomorrow afternoon.

Or learn how to use ";"'s.

The Ladies Who Lunch

2004-10-12T21:11:00.000+01:00

I Had Too Much To Dream (Last Night)

2004-10-12T10:44:00.000+01:00

Last night, I had the best dream in the world...ever! I was in this HUGE open plan art gallery, kind of Tate Modernish but bigger and with less levels, same weird grates in the floor though. There were these massive displays of inflatable art, all made to resemble food, objects or space craft. Each piece was vibrantly splashed in many colours and you could walk through, under or below each piece. In one corner of the gallery Lindsay Lohan was shooting a film, I walked over to see the filming and she was doing a scene kind of similar to the one in Grease 2 where Stephanie strolls off into the distance singing the end of Cool Rider. Lindsay wasn't singing, but shouting out "Cont! Cont! Cont! Freakin' Cont!". Some friends then strolled beside her and laughed. Then, Lindsay laughed and my viewpoint of the dream pulled back so what I was seeing was happening on a cinema screen. Lindsay turned to the viewers and said "Oh my god, can you believe I just said a word that sounded like cunt... in a movie!" whilst looking as Lindsay as ever.

I was then back in the art gallery watching filming, and I noticed the director was Andrew Flemming, director of my favourite rom-com, Threesome (which he also wrote), and some episodes of the ace-as 90210/Dawson's Creek spoof Grosse Pointe. I immediately starting chatting to him about how wonderful Threesome was and how me and two friends used to present a show on student radio called Threesome in honor of it (true in non-dreamworld). I then got a bit caught out because he started talking about Dick, which I've never seen, but I bluffed and got away with it. Then, who else but Anita Roddick turns up and her, Andrew, Lindsay and me decide to start singing "Free-eeee Nelson Mandela", but after one line, decided to change it to "Free-eeee the huckabees", which is odd because I've yet to see the film, and don't really know what it's about other than it looks pretty damn good.

Then some other stuff happened, but I only have 5 minutes left on the library computer, so I'll leave it to your imagination.

Kiss My Face

2004-10-09T19:13:00.000+01:00

Wa! What a week, I nearly got arrested (twice) for expressing an opinion, met someone who looked just like my Sim (with worse hair but nicer tats) and spent over 2 hours last Saturday talking to Margot Kidder. The three are not related.

Sadly.

What a tale that would be! Talking of tales, L-O-V-I-N-G the Aguilera's new version of Car Wash.

If I'd been a good blogger, this week I would have:

- spoken of my desire to be John Edwards' perverted love slave
- done a fabulous bit of writing on how much I adore Rosemary & Thyme (it's this year's Murder, She Wrote), how I grew up near one of this week's suspects and how Felicity Kendal makes me giggle in a very naughty, but special, way
- gushed over other people's wonderful blogs which I haven't had time to read, but will certainly catch up with tomorrow over a nice cup of coffee and a soggy biscuit
- done a very interesting, heart-warming post about how I made an old person's day, only to ruin it by going off on a tangent about Jessica Fletcher and what amazing hair she had on Friday
- put up some more MP3s
- got a nice looking template and/or logo
- mentioned this wonderful idea for getting people presents this holiday season

Hey! I did do that last one! I'm not so bad after all. As a prize to myself for doing it, I'm gonna get me a goat.

Simpossible

2004-09-30T22:50:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, I think I fancy my Sim. Aside from, or maybe because of, that, The Sims 2 is pretty darn good. I'm currently making gay babies with my roomie's brother.

Political wobbling

2004-09-28T20:46:00.000+01:00

I was watching part of the Labour party conference today and it struck me that I have no idea how to vote come election day. From my point of view Tony Blair and his posse are, on the whole, evil, corrupt and Murdoch friendly; the Conservatives are backward, snide and conservative; the Lib Dems are a bit of a mess despite some wonderful individuals within the party; and although the Greens are cool, I can't see myself voting for them (especially without a Ralph Nader equivalent). I adore Respect, and everything they stand for, but do they have a chance? Is it worth wasting a vote on a party who have no chance of winning? But, then again, is that the sort of thinking that prevents anyone but the Tories and Labour getting in?

I think, as bad as a two-party system is, the Americans have a much better deal when it comes to voting choice, at least they have two (usually) differing sides to go with. Since Labour went New (read: realised that public relations/spin was more important than telling the truth) they've basically lost a lot of what defined them and have become too centrist/"populist"/close to the Cons/evil for me to respect them (and that's aside from the fact that Tony Blair has spent too much of the past year looking like a scared monkey/f*cked up pensions/any chance of preparing this country for the long-term future). I think we need to change our voting system to Proportional Representation in order to give Respect the respect it deserves. Let's get Faye Dunaway over to launch the campaign.

I'll hold my hand up and state for the record that I'm basing all of this on my own perception and that I can't be bothered to back-up what I'm saying or wait till the manifestos come out - I'm not one of them political bloggers after all (although I do hold a Political Studies A-Level, which I've always found funny/surprising) - anyways, Pokemon Leaf Green/Fire Red comes out on Friday - which Pokemon should I choose to start my adventure with?

Oh Brother!

2004-09-28T20:14:00.000+01:00

Next up on the Smash Hits Party '88 tip is track 3, from CD1 - Brother Beyond's The Harder I Try. I don't really have any memories of the Beyond other than that they existed and the lead singer was called Nathen just like a boy in my school that I didn't like.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW (.mp3/4.8MB)

S-Express - Theme From S-Express.mp3

2004-09-26T11:57:00.000+01:00

The second tune that I'm nicking from Smash Hits Party '88 for your illegal enjoyment was found on CD 2, Track 3 - S-Express' Theme From S-Express. I remember reading about the group in Smash Hits at the time and thinking they were the coolest thing to have ever been invented. I have vague recollections of seeing them on Top of the Pops and wanting to be a part of their magical musical vibe. Years later the DJ at a local nightclub would play this every second week, and on my friends birthday he played it twice. We loved him. His name was Nick.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW (.mp3/5.4MB)

Picture This

2004-09-25T21:39:00.000+01:00

I'm in the act of loving Flickr, an online photo storage thing that the lovely Groc told me about earlier. You can finally see too many pictures of my cats - all in one place!

I will always love Troubled Diva's list of poofs & lezzers (and trannies and Betty Bothways) in pop, which will one day be required reading in schools throughout the land. Sad how small a list it is though.

I also love the new Silk Cut Slims that are available from your local newsagent. Not that I smoke anymore of course, but if I did occasionally sneak one during a particularly rousing song in the club just off Gay Street then they would be the ones I would go for.

Funk.

The last thing I love today (besides my family, my friends, my cats, my god and my pop) is finding an old worn out VHS "cam classic" of my man and I performing a dramatic dance interpretation of the Melrose Place theme. I didn't love realising how much weight I have put on since then. I may have to do a Dr Phil challenge.

Yay.

Five Star - Another Weekend.mp3

2004-09-25T18:54:00.000+01:00

We'll start with CD1, Track 12 - Five Star's Another Weekend. Another Weekend was the first track released off Five Star's Rock My World album, it was, at the time, The Best Song I'd Ever Heard EVER! It seemed like the most experimental, out of this world, original, funked up piece of music my 8or9 year old self had ever heard. It was the fourth vinyl single I owned as a child (after The Wheels On The Bus, I Should Be So Lucky and Into The Groove (I never actually owned Into The Groove, but when asked I always say it was the first record I bought, so technically Another Weekend was my third). I still think it's quite a top tune today, but nostalgia and years of being a Five Star fan may cloud that opinion somewhat. For Smash Hits' description, please click on the above picture.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW (.mp3/5.7MB)

Party Like It's 1988

2004-09-25T18:43:00.000+01:00

Mamma always told me to share the wealth, so I've decided to share the wealth of pop contained in Smash Hits Party '88 with y'all. Coming over the next few days/weeks will be specially selected tracks for you to, as the Spice Girls once said, "get down, get down, get deeper and down" with. Yes, months after they were all the rage, I'm getting all MP3 blog on your head.

Beep Beep

2004-09-24T13:31:00.000+01:00

I went to Oxford on Wednesday morning to help out with European Mobility Week's 'In Town Without My Car!' campaign. Despite the 7AMness of it all I was awake, alert and serving up loads of Fairtrade tea, coffee and freshly baked croissants whilst having a jolly good time in central(ish) England. The event had a massive turnout, but sadly I could only get a pic in after the rush had died down (what with me feeding the masses and all), so that above doesn't give a strictly accurate impression (also missing from the pic is a group of unshaven posh boys with a social conscience who had organised the event standing just to left of my lens, they are my latest New Favourite Type).

Oxford is quite an easy city to get around without a car, the bus services are great, it's very bicycle friendly and the lack of parking must be quite off putting anyway. The Park & Ride service, which lets you park out of town and get a bus in used to be part of one of my favourite days out when I was younger. We'd drive to one of the park/pick-up points and go in by bus (usually top deck, front row so I could pretend I was on a spaceship), get off, go shopping/punting/eating/Oxford Storying and then come back home. One time, I went with my Dad and his (now ex-)girlfriend to go punting and we fell in to the river. I swear I saw little animated creatures dancing underwater.

Urm, yeah, flashback over. Obviously Sunny Bee has worked it's way into my mental processes again.

After the unshaven posh boys with a social conscience left, I stayed behind to help out at my friend's charity shop nearby. I adore working at charity shops, it's just so much fun. Aside from all the old 80's/90's wonder to be found, they have some gorgeous new tasteful items to buy and the music they play is divine. I say "they play", but I mean "I play". Seriously, get me in a shop with a CD selection and I'm working that second-hand ghetto blaster to the bone!

I started the day off with a bit of Marlene Dietrich, in honour of Emmer, switched to Select's Best of '96 (or maybe '98) indie compilation and made loads of "yeah, I chose this from the shelf 'cos I'm that cool" eye contact with some student shoppers whilst recalling nights of Suede and Blur when I was late-teen and Indie. After lunch, I switched to some up-tempo Bollywood before bringin' da noise with N'Sync. Then, I found what may be the best compilation CD ever devised - Smash Hits Party '88 - and played Theme from S'Express and Push It 3 times in a row before coming up to date, and down to earth, with a pirated copy of American Life.

At one point, one of the unshaven posh boys with a social conscience came in with some chocolates as a thank you for helping out earlier. If I hadn't got myself a man already I would have totally asked him to lunch, formed a crush and been besotted with an unattainable straight boy for the next 6 months. Oh well, maybe next time.

This morning, I pretty much made up my mind that I'm moving to Oxford before Christmas or I will die. I need beige buildings and free post-feminist lectures in my life.

Dylan-Alexis

2004-09-23T13:20:00.000+01:00

Vanilla Ice & The Reality Show of Justice!

2004-09-21T21:36:00.000+01:00

Why have I only just learnt that Vanilla Ice is going to be on the new five reality show 'The Farm'? Along with Ritchie from 5ive? My Bob! This could be the greatest thing on television since a drag queen sang over an ending montage on Emmerdale.

In other news, Candy Blue Kite is my new favourite blog (along with my other favourite blogs which can be found on the right).

Foxy Lady

2004-09-21T13:25:00.000+01:00

I have just read Trash Addict's lovely post on Fox News, it was almost as wonderful as Greta Von Hairstyle herself. Although I strongly advise against ditching Fox for the Weekly World News, if only for the simple annoyance of how the ink rubs off onto your fingers - that never happens with Bill O'Reilly.

Allegedly.

Anyone into Fox's special brand of awfulness should check out Outfoxed. The movie, by the director of the glorious musical Xanadu, is an outing of Fox News as a Republican propaganda machine. It also has the benefit of serving as a kind of Fox's Greatest Hits package which is where the real value can be found. It's available from Amazon at a very cheap price, so it's worth checking out.

In the Al Franken book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, there's a top chapter about Fox that is both interesting and amusing. I will always be indebted to Al because his book led me to Ann Coulter, a regular Fox pundit. She's simply the best, most-hateful person alive, here are some of her finest moments...

"There's a reason hurricanes are named after women and homosexual men, it's one of our little methods of social control. We're supposed to fly off the handle"

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war"

"When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once again that John Walker is not getting the death penalty. We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed, too. Otherwise, they will turn out to be outright traitors"

"God says, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours'"

There's a full-on, but old, article about Ms Coulter here that's worth a look, but before you read it I suggest you print out the quote about hurricanes and homosexual men, frame it and hang it over your front door. You may want to print out the "Leather Bitch"* picture from her official site and hang it underneath too.

*My title, not hers - you'll know it when you see it.

Emmerdale, Corrie & Sunset Beach - My New Holy Trinity

2004-09-21T13:13:00.000+01:00

What with Sunset Beach being back on, I thought my current UK Soap fetish would die out. Sadly, it hasn't. I am so excited by tonight's hour long Emmerdale special that I just told a homeless man about it.

No lie.

I've never really liked Britsh soaps, but a few months ago I started getting into Corrie, which somehow led to an Emmerdale addiction and, sadly, I've even watched EastEnders on occasion. This is awful for so many reasons. Mainly in that I have a strict limit on how much TV I allow myself to watch in a week and my UK soap addiction has meant I can no longer fit Murder, She Wrote into my schedule. It's appalling, galling and, urm, annoylling.

I am currently in love with the new gay in Emmerdale, he's everything I want in a guy - arrogant, bitchy, flawed, gorgeous and not very good at acting. I also *heart* the ex-Queer As Folk dude living with Todd Gayshaw in Corrie at the moment, a "bitchy queen" with a heart of gold is exactly what the Street needs. Todd is as nice looking as ever, but he's too meek. Sure, he'll inherit the Earth, but surly it would be a better feeling to bitch slap Sarah Louise in the face.

Also, Steve MacDonald. :-)

I'm Back Again, Yes, How Did You Guess?

2004-09-20T13:48:00.000+01:00

Hello, after a good long think in the mirror, I've decided to come back to the blogging game. I will return to the other site next year, but at the moment I just don't have the time to make it as good as it deserves to be. Anyway, stick around - you and Bea will love it here.